How to Recognize and Recover from This Insidious Form of Abuse
Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive strategy that causes someone to question their thoughts, feelings, and sanity. The gaslighter tries to convince their victim that their perception of reality is wrong, making them doubt their instincts and memories. This subtle form of manipulation often starts small but escalates over time as the gaslighter attempts to gain more power and control in the relationship. Sadly, I have worked with many individuals who have been involved in or are involved in difficult relationships where gaslighting is prevalent. Thus, in this post, I want to share the basics of this behavior in hopes that it can help anyone dealing with this issue in their lives.
Understanding Gaslighting vs. Other Forms of Manipulation
While gaslighting is a form of manipulation, not all manipulation constitutes gaslighting. What sets gaslighting apart is the abuser’s intent to make the victim doubt their grasp on reality.
For example, if a partner denies being unfaithful despite clear evidence and then claims the victim is paranoid or crazy for suspecting them, that is gaslighting. In contrast, tactics like guilt-tripping (“If you really loved me, you’d do this”), lying (“I was working late at the office,” when they were out with friends), and flattery (“You’re so much smarter than all my exes”) are manipulative but not necessarily gaslighting.
Signs and Techniques of Gaslighting
Gaslighters employ a variety of techniques to undermine their victims’ sense of reality:
- Withholding: refusing to listen to the victim’s concerns or pretending not to understand them
- Countering: questioning the victim’s memory of events and making them doubt their recollection
- Diverting: changing the subject to avoid addressing issues or shifting the focus onto the victim
- Trivializing: making the victim feel like their thoughts and feelings are unimportant or irrational
- Denial: pretending that abusive events never happened or claiming the victim is making things up
- Lying: telling blatant lies, even when the victim has proof, to create self-doubt
A person being gaslit may constantly apologize for their feelings and reactions, even making excuses for the gaslighter’s behavior toward others.
Six Common Gaslighting Phrases and What They Really Mean
Understanding the specific language gaslighters use can help you recognize these manipulative tactics more quickly. Here are six phrases commonly used by gaslighters and the psychological damage they’re designed to inflict:
1. “That never happened.”
This is perhaps the most classic gaslighting tactic. When confronted about their abusive behavior, gaslighters will flatly deny events that clearly occurred. Licensed clinical social worker Lisa Ferentz explains that this deliberate denial creates seeds of self-doubt in the victim’s mind.
The psychological impact: You begin questioning your own memory and instincts, becoming increasingly dependent on the abuser’s version of “reality.” This erosion of self-trust makes you easier to control and manipulate, heightening your sense of dependency on the abuser.
2. “You’re too sensitive.”
If you express hurt over something cruel the gaslighter said or did—perhaps a harsh comment about your appearance made in front of friends that they insist was “just a joke”—they’ll minimize your reaction by claiming you’re overly sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing.
The psychological impact: This phrase is designed to make you feel foolish for standing up for yourself. Once an abusive partner has broken down your ability to trust your own perceptions, you’re more likely to put up with the abusive behavior and stay in the relationship.
3. “You’re crazy—and other people think so, too.”
Once a gaslighter has shaken your confidence through lies and reality distortions, they confirm your worst fear by suggesting you’re mentally unstable. They may also work to convince friends and family of your supposed instability to discredit you and create distance between you and your loved ones.
The psychological impact: As Ferentz notes, gaslighters deliberately spread this narrative to your support network to further isolate you and get others to align with the abuser. This decreases the likelihood that your stories will be believed and disconnects you from resources that would make it possible for you to leave.
4. “You have a terrible memory.”
While everyone occasionally forgets details of conversations, gaslighters will consistently focus on making you doubt your memory across multiple situations. They do this because getting you to question yourself is at the core of gaslighting.
The psychological impact: When you no longer trust your own memory and assessment of situations, the abuser gains complete control. When you can’t trust your own assessments, the abuser is in complete control.
5. “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”
This appears to be an apology, but it’s actually a deflection tactic. Clinical psychologist Dr. B. Nilaja Green explains that this phrase shifts blame onto you for “misinterpreting” the situation rather than the abuser accepting responsibility for causing harm.
The psychological impact: This can result in you distrusting your own judgment and reactions. You may genuinely start believing you’re “too sensitive” or “irrational,” leading you to rely on the other person’s interpretation of events as more accurate or reasonable.
6. “You should have known how I would react.”
Rather than taking accountability for their behavior, gaslighters use this phrase to make their reactions your fault. Instead of being accountable for their own behavior, they’ll pin it on you.
The psychological impact: By telling you that you should have known better, the gaslighter places blame on you not only for speaking up but also for the abuser’s response. This involves twisting facts so they can avoid personal ownership of their behaviors.
Why People Gaslight
Gaslighters are often motivated by a desire to avoid responsibility for their actions and exert control. They may refuse to apologize, instead making the victim feel at fault. If the victim tries to leave, the gaslighter might play the victim themselves to gain sympathy.
Gaslighters also tend to be controlling, gradually isolating their victim from outside support. They may dictate how the victim spends their time, subtly criticize or “correct” the victim’s choices, and attempt to turn others against the victim by spreading false information.
Highly Sensitive People and Gaslighting
Highly sensitive and empathic people can be especially vulnerable to gaslighting. Because they tend to absorb other people’s emotions and overthink social interactions, they are more likely to take a gaslighter’s behavior personally and blame themselves. Years of being told their emotional reactions are “too much” can make them doubt their own instincts.
Gaslighters often exploit the highly sensitive person’s natural inclination to avoid conflict and please others. They may dismiss or minimize the victim’s feelings, pretend not to understand their concerns, and make them feel silly or stupid for expressing themselves.
To recover from gaslighting, highly sensitive people must learn to trust their own intuition again. This involves listening to gut feelings, even when they seem irrational, and paying attention to physical and emotional signals that something is wrong. Keeping a journal can help them identify abusive patterns and validate their experiences.
Setting boundaries, practicing assertiveness, and clearly communicating needs are also key for highly sensitive people healing from gaslighting. Self-compassion is essential; victims must recognize that the abuse was not their fault. Connecting with supportive people who appreciate their sensitivity can help rebuild self-esteem.
What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You
Depending on how long you’ve been trapped in this toxic dynamic, it may be “excruciatingly difficult” to pull yourself out. That said, it is possible. The antidote to gaslighting is becoming more self-aware. The better you know yourself, the better you will be at fending off inaccurate statements about yourself.
Keep Paying Attention to Your Gut
Gaslighting erodes your confidence to the point that you no longer trust your instincts about a situation. But try to stay in touch with whatever you’re feeling; those emotional signals offer important clues that you don’t want to ignore.
When you feel that tension in the pit of your stomach, or a sense of unease with a situation, don’t immediately dismiss that feeling because someone else thinks you should. Investigate what this sensation could be telling you and get more information before making your next move.
Hold on to Texts and Emails
That way, you have a tangible record of their behavior, which is helpful when combating the confusion created by a gaslighter. You can also write down notes from your conversations to help you separate fact from fiction.
Ask yourself: Where is the conversation veering off from reality into the other person’s view? Then, after you look at the dialogue, write down how you felt. Look for signs of repeated denial of your experience.
Consider Calling Out Their Behavior
Let the other person know you see the manipulation game. For example, if your partner accuses you of being overly sensitive, you can say, “No, I’m not too sensitive. I’m reacting the way anyone would to the way you treat me or the way you act.” Or, “No, I’m not too sensitive, the problem is you are not sensitive enough.”
But know that even in doing so, their behavior isn’t likely to change. Just because you call them out doesn’t mean they’re going to validate your point of view or suddenly see the error in their ways. Gaslighters typically have no intention of changing, so waiting for them to take ownership, genuinely apologize, and change their ways will probably only lead to more abuse and make it less likely that you’ll be able to leave.
Check in with a Trusted Friend, Family Member, or Clinical Psychologist
Ask a close friend or relative how they would feel if their partner treated or spoke to them the way yours does. See if they’ve noticed you behaving differently since you’ve been with this person.
Do you seem to shrink around them, agree with everything that they say, even things that are not in line with your values? Do you really not seem like yourself?
Many victims are apprehensive about telling their loved ones about problems in the relationship because they worry it would be disloyal to their partner. But it’s essential to speak up. In this situation, it may be the only way you can maintain your sanity.
Also, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in emotional abuse (or ask a loved one to help you find one) for additional support and to help you forge a path forward.
Coping with Gaslighting
Recognizing gaslighting is the first step to protecting yourself. Take a step back and objectively examine your interactions with the gaslighter. Do they make you feel constantly on edge, confused, or like you’re going crazy? A healthy relationship involves mutual trust, respect, and open communication, not emotional manipulation.
Writing in a journal can provide clarity and a record of abusive incidents. Confide in trusted friends, family, or a psychologist to gain outside support and validation. A clinical psychologist can help you process the emotional trauma of gaslighting and develop coping strategies.
Remember, you are not to blame for being gaslit. No one deserves abuse, no matter how sensitive they are. Gaslighting can take a serious toll on your mental health, so be patient and compassionate with yourself as you heal. With time and support, you can regain your confidence and learn to trust yourself again.
Moving Forward
Gaslighting is a severe form of emotional abuse characterized by manipulation, control, and the intent to make the victim doubt their sense of reality and self-worth. Highly sensitive and empathic people are particularly susceptible to these tactics, but anyone can become a victim of gaslighting.
Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial to protecting yourself and beginning the recovery process. Rebuilding self-trust, setting boundaries, and seeking support are all important steps in healing from gaslighting trauma. Though it may be a difficult journey, it is possible to move forward and thrive after experiencing this type of abuse. Remember, your feelings are valid, and your sensitivity is a gift, not a weakness.
FAQ Section
Q: What exactly is gaslighting, and how is it different from regular manipulation? A: Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive strategy designed to make someone question their thoughts, feelings, and sanity. What sets gaslighting apart from other manipulations is the abuser’s specific intent to make the victim doubt their grasp on reality, making them question their own memories and perceptions.
Q: What are the main techniques gaslighters use? A: Common techniques include withholding (refusing to listen), countering (questioning your memory), diverting (changing subjects to avoid issues), trivializing (making your feelings seem unimportant), denial (pretending events never happened), and lying (even when confronted with proof).
Q: Why are highly sensitive people more vulnerable to gaslighting? A: Highly sensitive and empathic people absorb others’ emotions and overthink social interactions, making them more likely to blame themselves. Years of being told their reactions are “too much” make them doubt their instincts, and gaslighters exploit their natural desire to avoid conflict and please others.
Q: How can I tell if I’m being gaslit or just being too sensitive? A: Ask yourself: Do interactions with this person make me feel constantly on edge, confused, or like I’m going crazy? Healthy relationships involve mutual trust and respect, not emotional manipulation. If you’re constantly apologizing for your feelings or making excuses for their behavior, these are red flags.
Q: What should I do if I think I’m being gaslit? A: Start by keeping a journal to document incidents and validate your experiences. Confide in trusted friends, family, or a psychologist for outside support. Take a step back and objectively examine your interactions—trust your gut feelings even when they seem irrational.
Q: Can I recover from gaslighting abuse? A: Yes, though recovery takes time and support. Focus on rebuilding self-trust by listening to your intuition, setting boundaries, practicing assertiveness, and being compassionate with yourself. Remember that the abuse was not your fault, and your sensitivity is a gift, not a weakness.
When are you ready I am here for you
If you suspect you’re experiencing gaslighting or are recovering from this form of emotional abuse, professional support can help you rebuild your sense of reality, develop healthy boundaries, and regain confidence in your own perceptions.
Dr. Ginny Estupinian, PhD specializes in helping individuals recognize manipulation patterns, process emotional trauma from gaslighting, and develop strategies for healing and building healthier relationships.
📞 Call today: 844-802-6512
🌐 Contact Dr. Estupinian’s office to begin your journey toward healing and trusting yourself again—your feelings are valid, and you deserve support.