Breakups are one of the most painful experiences we go through in life. The emotional anguish of losing someone you love, whether it was your choice or theirs, can feel as devastating as grieving the death of a loved one. Your world is suddenly turned upside down. The future you imagined together has crumbled. You may feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself.
The intense emotional pain is not just in your head – it’s a full-body experience. But as unbearable as it feels right now, you can and will get through this. By understanding the science behind the pain and engaging in active, healthy coping strategies, you can emerge from this heartbreak with greater resilience and wisdom. This article will be your guide.
The Science of Heartbreak
Breakups hurt so badly for a good reason. Research shows that rejection and loss, especially from someone we were deeply attached to, activates the same regions in the brain as physical pain. In brain imaging studies, the emotional pain of a breakup looks very similar to the way the brain processes the anguish of a broken arm.
Our brain’s reward center, which lights up when we’re in love, goes dark after a split, creating withdrawal symptoms similar to going cold turkey from a drug. Stress hormones like cortisol flood our system, intensifying anxiety and depression and suppressing our immune functioning. Meanwhile, “love hormones” like oxytocin that bonded us to our partner and soothed us plummet, making us feel unmoored.
In addition to the biochemical reactions, a breakup shatters our sense of self and our assumptions about the future. Our identity, routines, and social circles are often intertwined with a partner. Losing them feels like losing a part of ourselves. A breakup also confronts us with uncomfortable questions: Are we lovable? Will we ever find a healthy relationship? What went wrong, and what does it say about us? No wonder it’s so agonizing.
Types of Breakups and Their Impact
While all breakups involve loss and grief, some circumstances make the pain even harder to bear:
• Sudden, unexpected breakups where you had no inkling your partner was unhappy are incredibly traumatic. It’s a shock to your system to go from feeling secure to abandoned with no warning.
• Being broken up with rather than choosing to leave yourself often triggers feelings of rejection, self-doubt, and inadequacy. You’re left ruminating on what you could have done differently.
• The longer and more entwined the relationship, the more destabilizing the breakup. Unraveling your lives and letting go of a deep attachment is excruciating.
• Breakups involving betrayal, abuse, or infidelity deal a double blow – the pain of the loss compounded by the pain of the trauma. These breakups often require professional support to process.
Even if a breakup is mutual or you were the one to end things, grief is still a natural response to a loss. Don’t judge your pain or expect to “get over it” on anyone else’s timeline.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms to Avoid
When we’re in the throes of heartache, we’ll do anything to stop the pain. However, many instinctive reactions only prolong the agony:
• Suppressing or ignoring emotions: Pushing down your sadness and anger or keeping a stiff upper lip will cause the feelings to fester and explode later. You have to go through the grief, not around it.
• Self-medicating: Numbing the pain with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, etc., offers temporary relief at best and creates new problems. Sit with the discomfort rather than escaping it.
• Rebounding: Jumping into a new relationship or casual flings to avoid being alone prevents you from processing the loss. You’re just distracting yourself from healing.
• Obsessing over your ex: Constantly checking their social media, trying to communicate with them, or engineering ways to run into them keeps you stuck. You have to create space to grieve.
• Isolating yourself: Hiding from the world and neglecting your basic needs compounds depression. Seek support and maintain your self-care routines even when it’s the last thing you feel like doing.
Healthy Strategies to Cope with Breakup Grief
- Allow yourself to feel it all. Let yourself cry, rage, write angsty poetry, whatever you need to express the pain. Keeping a journal is a powerful way to release and process complicated emotions.
- Lean on your support system. Call up trusted friends and family. Join a support group for the brokenhearted. Consider working with a therapist if the pain is overwhelming. Knowing you’re not alone and having caring listeners can be incredibly comforting.
- Practice self-compassion. Breakups often stir up feelings of not being good enough. Be gentle with yourself and challenge self-attacking thoughts. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend going through a hard time.
- Take care of your body. Eat nourishing foods, move your body, and prioritize sleep. Avoid mind-altering substances. Tending to your physical health will help stabilize your emotions and outlook.
- Rediscover yourself. A breakup can rattle your sense of identity. Reconnect with parts of yourself that may have gotten lost in the relationship. Invest in your interests, goals, and friendships. Remember who you are outside of a partner.
- Find meaning in the experience. In time, consider what lessons and growth opportunities the relationship and breakup presented. How can you emerge wiser, stronger, and clearer about what you need in a future partnership? Breakups crack us open and pave the way for transformation.
- Create new joy. Slowly open yourself up to new experiences, connections, and hopes for the future. Plan things to look forward to. The pain will not last forever, even if it feels that way now. New sources of happiness and love are possible.
When to Seek Professional Help
While the intense pain and preoccupation after a breakup is normal, sometimes extra support is necessary. Reach out to my office if:
• The grief persists for many months and is getting worse, not better
• You’re unable to function at work, school, or in taking care of yourself
• You’re having thoughts of suicide or self-harm
• You don’t have supportive people to help you weather the breakup
• The relationship involved abuse, infidelity, or other trauma that’s too much to process alone
Call 844-802-6512 or go Online to schedule an appointment
If you’re experiencing heartbreak right now, know that you’re not alone and that you will not feel this way forever. Breakup grief is a universal human experience. Your pain is a testament to your courage to love deeply. By allowing your grief, seeking support, and focusing on self-discovery, you can gradually mend and grow through this experience.
This ending does not define your future but how you choose to heal and what you carry forward. New joys, wisdom, and love are waiting on the other side of this tunnel. Keep walking through, one day at a time, with radical compassion for your tender heart. It will not always hurt the way it does now. Healing is possible.
