In my work with clients who are dating or in a new relationship, I often hear of a behavior that makes them feel like they are being strung along. In this article, we will look at this behavior and how you can avoid being a victim of it.
Have you ever been in a situation where someone you’re interested in romantically sends you flirty texts, cute memes, or little compliments – but never actually commits to moving the relationship forward? If their hot-and-cold behavior has you constantly questioning where you stand, you may be experiencing a phenomenon called “breadcrumbing.”
What is Breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing refers to when someone gives you just enough attention and affection to keep you interested but not enough to make you feel secure in the relationship. Like leaving a trail of breadcrumbs, they string you with sporadic communication, vague promises of future dates, and signs of interest that never go anywhere substantial.
SOME COMMON EXAMPLES OF BREADCRUMBING INCLUDE:
• Sending flirtatious messages but never making concrete plans to meet up
• Liking and commenting on your social media posts but ignoring your DMs
• Talking about doing things together in the future without following through
• Disappearing for stretches of time, then reappearing as if nothing happened
• Putting in just enough effort to keep you on the hook but not enough to truly invest
WHY DO PEOPLE BREADCRUMB?
People engage in breadcrumbing for various reasons. Sometimes, it’s a way for them to get attention, an ego boost, and a sense of control without fully committing. They enjoy knowing they have you as an option while still being free to explore other prospects.
In other situations, the breadcrumber may be emotionally unavailable due to past relationship trauma, insecure attachment styles, or mental health issues like narcissistic personality disorder. Their inconsistent behavior is a guard against intimacy and a reflection of their own struggles more than anything you’ve done wrong.
Regardless of their motivations, though, the impact on you is the same – confusion, self-doubt, and an eroding sense of self-worth as you wait for those infrequent “crumbs” of affection.
THE MENTAL HEALTH IMPACT OF BREADCRUMBING
Studies have shown that being breadcrumbed can significantly affect your emotional wellbeing. Victims report increased feelings of loneliness, anxiety, depression, and overall lower life satisfaction.
You may start to question your own judgment, wonder if you’re asking for too much, or internalize the idea that you don’t deserve a full, authentic connection. Over time, your self-esteem is chipped away, and you may find it harder to trust potential partners in the future.
HOW TO RESPOND TO A BREADCRUMBER
If you suspect you’re being breadcrumbed, the first step is communicating directly with the person about how their behavior affects you. Share your feelings using “I” statements and ask for clarity about their intentions for the relationship. Their response will tell you a lot.
In some cases, the breadcrumber may not realize the impact of their inconsistency and commit to doing better. But more often than not, you’ll be met with more excuses and vague assurances that lead nowhere.
If the breadcrumbing continues, it’s important to put your own needs first and consider walking away, as painful as it may be. Continuing to engage will likely only prolong your hurt and keep you from finding the respectful, consistent connection you deserve.
TIPS FOR HEALING FROM BREADCRUMBING
Moving on from a breadcrumber isn’t easy, especially if the intermittent reinforcement of their attention has become like an addiction. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you take steps to rebuild your confidence and establish healthier relationship standards.
SOME SUGGESTIONS:
- Cease all contact with the breadcrumber so you won’t be drawn back in by a random text or social media “Like.”
- Lean on trusted friends and family for support. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you and build you up.
- Reflect on why you accepted this behavior and where your insecurities stem from. Working with a therapist can help you process the experience and develop tools for setting boundaries in the future.
- Reconnect with hobbies and interests that light you up inside and remind you of your worth outside of any one relationship. Prioritize your self-care.
- When you’re ready to date again, clearly communicate your expectations early on and consider whether a person’s actions consistently match their words.
Remember, breadcrumbing does not reflect your value as a person. You are worthy of love, care, and commitment. Hold out for the person offering you the whole loaf, not just the crumbs.
Don’t hesitate to contact my office if you’re struggling and need someone to talk to. I am here to help anyone dealing with the challenges and complexities of relationships.
